Valentine’s Day and the Focus on Love
Valentine’s Day is approaching rapidly and it focuses our attention on love. Actually, our thoughts were drawn to this celebration long before we approached February. It seems that just after the Christmas items came down at local stores, Valentine’s Day items quickly appeared. But it’s not just our stores; it’s everywhere – T.V., radio, emails and just about every medium one can imagine.  And with it comes all the trappings associated with this occasion – chocolate covered strawberries, heart-shaped boxes filled with a variety of chocolates, beautiful flower arrangements and the list goes on. Valentine’s Day’s is all about showing love in tangible ways. Besides its obvious commercial and monetary interests, Valentine’s Day does provide a reminder of the importance of love. It particularly calls to us to express our love to others. However, as I thought about the focus on love on Valentine’s Day, I thought about another appropriate kind of love that is often ignored. Here, I am thinking about self-love, particularly as it pertains to those serving within church ministries.

The Denigration of Self-love
This notion of self-love doesn’t find wide approval in some Christian circles. It fact, such a love is often repudiated. I know persons whom I love and respect who would vehemently deny the existence of anything named self-love. To such persons, self-love completely contradicts the Christian ethic and message. Instead, such persons emphasize a two-fold love that involves loving God and loving others. It is a perspective that leaves little to no room for loving oneself. To support this belief, many point to this passage from Matthew 22: 36-40. There, in response to the question about what is the greatest commandment, Jesus replied: It has always puzzled me that persons look at this portion of scripture and only see a twofold love; that is, a love of God and love of neighbor. Such persons argue for a vertical love to God and a horizontal love of others. In the process, they seem blind to or deliberately omit the phrase “as yourself.” Instead of attaching a twofold idea to love, it ought to be attached to the two-fold commandment, or the first and second commandment. However, even in this twofold commandment, there is one reality, in that the two make up one great commandment - the command to love. This one reality is expressed in a threefold way; toward God, self and others. No Christian would debate the primacy of a love toward God. Neither would they debate the need to love one’s neighbor. The problem comes when they treat the phrase “as yourself” as if it did not exist. In reality, it appears that love of neighbor is predicated on love for self. To love one’s neighbor is to give to one’s neighbor that which one has already given to oneself. In other words, love of neighbor is patterned on one’s love for self. In a 2007 article which appeared in the Journal of Psychology and Theology, A.C. Tjeltveit called attention to this relationship and the unity of these two loves by hyphenating the phrase to read loving-neighbor-as self.

An Ordered View of Self Love
My own reading of scripture as it pertains to love of self is that it is something assumed or taken as a given. Ephesians chapter five provides one such example. While speaking about one’s love for one’s wife, Paul connected a husband’s love for his wife with Christ’s love for the church. Christ demonstrated this love for the church by purifying it and presenting it holy and without blemish. Paul followed up this statement by exhorting the husband with the following words: “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28). In this passage, Paul clearly validated one’s love for one’s spouse. However, this love equates to one’s love for oneself; it is one’s love for oneself that provides the wellspring for spousal love. In speaking in this manner, Paul echoed Jesus’ perspective on love in the passage from Matthew 22; namely, that love of others (including love of a spouse), is vitally related to love of self. What’s more, the love Paul exhorts is not some lesser kind of love; in fact, it is a love patterned after Christ’s own love for the church.

John Wesley also held a similar perspective on love. In a letter to the Rev. Conyers Middleton, he used the term social love and equated it with love of neighbor. He then noted that this love “…is absolutely different from self-love, even of the most allowable kind; just as different as the objects at which they point.” There are two emphases here. First, in some ways these loves are different. The qualifying statement that follows indicates that the difference lies in the different love objects – others versus self. Second, Wesley noted that there was a self-love that was allowable. I take this to mean that this kind of self-love is not of the disordered kind. However, Wesley made another point that in some ways turned the initial thought of different loves on its head. Speaking of these two loves, he wrote: “And yet it is sure, that, if they are under due regulations, each will give additional force to the other, till they mix together never to be divided.” By “under due regulations” Wesley likely meant that they are rightly ordered through a primary focus on God as the first object of our affections. This singular love for God puts everything in its appropriate place. It transforms love from something that could easily degenerate into an unholy thing and makes it a thing of beauty and holiness. This transformation applies to love of self, and not just love of others. Ordered in this manner, these two loves reinforce each other and mirror each other to essentially become one love. In The Art of Purifying the Heart, Cardinal Špidlík made a similar point as Wesley. He stated the following:
For Špidlík, from a Christian perspective love of self and love of others should be one love. Without the other, love is incomplete. Self-love without a corresponding love of others becomes a perverse thing and rank narcissism. I suspect he would find similar deficiencies in a love of others that is separated from love of self. We often see the latter’s harmful consequences in ministers who are so intent on loving and serving others, they totally neglect their own well-being and that of their families. It is never a pretty picture.

All Forms of Love Can Become Disordered
If this presentation on love of self is valid, as I believe it is, why then do some persons in the church invalidate it? I suspect the reasons are many but I will offer one. I think many hold the view that love of self is the only one of the three loves that can be disordered. By this I mean that love of self is seen as corrupted and lies on a path paved with blatant narcissism. In Getting It Right: Christian Perfection and Wesley’s Purposeful list, I argue that all three loves can be corrupted and disordered. Think about one’s love for others that becomes misshapen because it approves everything the loved one does and pampers and supports the individual in destructive habits. And what about one who proclaims a love of God but does this in a destructive way? Here I am thinking about a suicide bomber who proclaims a love for God but is willing to destroy self and others as a demonstration of a love for God. Surely such a love is disordered!
However, if love can become disordered, there also exists the possibility that love can be rightly ordered. How does love become ordered? It depends on the object on which love is focused. For example, as previously stated, if one is focused on God, all forms of love can become rightly ordered. I suspect this is the reason for the order of loves in the Matthew passage. Matthew’s order suggests that it is primarily a love for God that can rightly order all other loves, including love of others and love of self.

Self-Love and Self-Care
Having briefly laid out a basis for rethinking a love of self, it leads me to ask the following question: What does self-love have to do with self-care? Ironically, there seems to exist a similar response to self-care as there is to self-love. In some camps, self-care is impugned as something selfish and unchristian. This belief seems especially prevalent among those in active ministry.
Besides the similar attitudes to self-love and self-care, an ordered love of self actually provides the basis for caring for oneself. It is love for oneself that is more likely to promote taking an active part in loving one’s own life expressed in protecting one’s well-being. This means giving appropriate attention to one’s entire being including one’s spiritual, physical, emotional and relational health.
 
The Priority of Self-care
In some of my presentations to ministers, I have actually drawn on a couple of John Wesley’s sermons to demonstrate the importance of caring for self as a first priority and the basis for providing a healthy foundation for caring for others. Of course, the sermons are not directly addressed to ministers; instead they provide general guidance for all Christians. One of the sermons is titled The Duty of Reproving One’s Neighbor. The second is titled The Use of Money. I will draw on this second sermon. Some may recognize a statement from this sermon that is often quoted in Christian circles. The statement is “Earn all you can, save all you can, give all you can.”  Beyond this quotation, this sermon presents a perspective on spending money that begins with appropriate attention to the self. This appears when Wesley speaks about the priorities in spending money. Given our general knowledge of Wesley, his priorities in spending money may surprise us. Rather than beginning from the outside in, Wesley began from the inside out. His first named priority in spending is to provide things that are necessary for preserving one’s bodily health. This means providing food, clothing and whatever else is necessary for bodily health.  Once one has provided for oneself, Wesley believed one’s next priority in spending was to care for one’s own household including one’s spouse and children. Wesley then advised that if there was a surplus, one should provide for the household of faith. Next, with additional surplus, one should do good to all humanity.  

Self-care Promotes Holistic Salvation and Thriving
I believe Wesley held such views because he valued the people under his care including those who ministered under him. He believed in holistic health and this did not simply mean the forgiveness of sins but as much healing as one might reasonably achieve by God’s help. In a 2007 article which appeared in the Journal Methodist History, Randy Maddox stated that John Wesley encouraged followers and contemporaries alike to pursue truly holistic salvation. This meant not only pursuing forgiveness of sins and its implication for spiritual health; it also meant pursuing healing where possible in all areas of one’s life. This is the kind of holistic salvation that can be fostered by appropriate self-care. However, this is unlikely to occur when one does not possess an appropriate and ordered self-love.

Besides its implications for experiencing a holistic salvation, self-care also promotes thriving. Thriving is a term that has gained some traction in recent years. In the United States, The Lilly Foundation, Inc. has even backed this emphasis with financial grants that seeks to promote thriving among clergy with a goal of growing thriving congregations. Sometimes one will also see the term used interchangeably with the word flourishing. The terms generally highlight the need for ministers and congregations to grow vigorously. In the 2013 book, Resilient Ministry, Burns, Chapman and Guthrie described it as a key ingredient in long-term success in ministry. They also saw thriving as shielding one against negative health outcomes.
 
Denominations and religious organizations are coming to know the reality of this statement more and more. They know they need to help facilitate thriving in their ministers. Accordingly, over the years, I have been invited to conduct seminars on self-care and related topics for several denominational groups. Four years ago, at the request of a Christian university, I developed and have been teaching a course on flourishing in ministry for a Christian organization. I have been encouraged by many of these ministers who create and follow through on plans for their own thriving. Through reading their papers outlining their plans, I know that the self-care which promotes thriving mostly springs from a realization that they need to love and serve themselves even while they seek to love and serve others.

Almost everywhere I turn I see evidence that there’s trouble in the temple. I once heard a former superintendent report that in the previous year, the church conference had almost exceeded its health insurance limits. Health problems among its ministers threatened their coverage. Many needed medication for stress-related disorders, others were in poor health. Several struggled with weight problems. Sadly, these problems appeared prominently in younger ministers in the early phases of ministry. In another denomination, similar problems run rampant; their ministers also experience many health difficulties. Cardiovascular difficulties, especially high blood pressure and heart attacks, rank high on the list of physical problems. Emotionally, anxiety and mood disorders frequently appear. Surprisingly, most are in their thirties – in the prime of life.  One does not expect to see these types of health problems in people so young. A second superintendent told me that his church routinely asks new ministers about their resources for managing stress in their lives and ministry. He sadly reported that many had rarely given any thought to such matters. Most of them possessed no resources to manage stress. There’s trouble in the temple!

By now you are likely aware that the temple of which I speak is not the church. Rather, I speak about the human temple. Unfortunately, many ministers pay scant regard to their bodies. They act as though bodies are worthless things, unworthy of any care. They forget that their bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit. Caring for the temple does not simply meaning avoiding evil and wickedness (1 Corinthians 6:14 – 7:1). It also means exerting effort to keep the temple in good shape. This means guarding our physical and emotional health. Yet many disregard this mandate.

Why do we do this? I highlight just two of the many possibilities. First, when it comes to bodies, we appear more gnostic than Christian. We assume our spirit is good and to be guarded (even if we do not do it), but bodies aren’t really that important. After years of neglect, our bodies break down. It’s only then that we comprehend how important bodies are. Bodies are the means through which we render service. Paul was right on the mark when he exhorted us “to offer our bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship.” (Romans 12:1) Paul understood the importance of bodies. Frances Havergal, the hymn writer who penned “Take My Life and Let it Be,” also knew this truth. As part of consecration to God, she knew that hands and feet, lips and voices needed to be consecrated. How can one consecrate and use these organs, if the body is in disrepair? As part of our consecration to God we ought to include a commitment to care for our bodies as best we can.
There’s a second reason many ministers neglect their bodies. Many of us have a misguided understanding of ministry. Ministry involves service to others. Thus we become fixated on others’ well-being to the neglect of our own. We seem a lot like auto mechanics. Have you noticed many auto mechanics drive cars that are in disrepair? They busy themselves fixing other people’s cars and never seem to get around to fixing their own. Ministers often do the same. How else do you explain the inattention to their spiritual, emotional and physical needs?
Unfortunately, neglecting ourselves sometimes seems like a badge of honor – the epitome of sacrificial service some advocate and practice. I once I heard a minister misinterpret Jesus’ words to the disciples to come aside and rest (Mark 6:31). The disciples had wearied themselves and needed time aside to rest and recuperate. Somehow that passage morphed into a call to ignore tiredness and keep on serving. I came away from that service deeply troubled. That was not Jesus’ intent. This was a clear call for the disciples to care for their human needs. In so doing, they could return to service renewed and re-energized. Obviously, ministry to others matters, but self-care is paramount. In fact, it’s pretty difficult to render service if the instruments for serving stand in disrepair.

I suspect if we got these two truths right we could minimize the problems indicated earlier. If we developed a proper theology of the body, it would inspire us to take better care of our earthly temples. If we also saw self-care as ministry, we would experience less “neurotic guilt” which detracts from serving our own well-being. This balanced understanding would free us to care for ourselves.

One of my clergy friends confirmed this. A few years ago, he was in a clergy seminar I led. Later he told me about having given up some of his simple pleasures and self-care efforts because of fear. He feared if he took time to address his recreational and health needs, his congregation would think him lazy. I assured him caring for himself was ministry. I had a chance to speak with him a few weeks later and inquired about his well-being. Happily, he was doing much better. It turned out that understanding self-care as ministry was the thought which had set him back on a path to personal well-being. This understanding of ministry had freed him to give adequate care to his temple. May it also free you to correct any trouble in your temple!

Finding balance in ministry often seems like the proverbial quest for the Holy Grail. The quest often proves long, arduous and mostly elusive. Ministers have justly gained notoriety for sacrificial service to the neglect of personal and family needs. This stance and style inevitably creates a life woefully out of balance. Physical and psychological problems, exhaustion, chronic stress, burnout, disrupted family relationships, and spiritual malaise often signal a life stretched to the max and out of balance. So how does one begin a successful quest?  In answer I offer brief insights from creation and the ministry of Jesus.  Additionally, I offer an observation discussed in my book, Reframing Your Ministry: Balancing Professional Responsibilities and Personal Needs (Evangel Press, 2007).

First, the quest requires learning or re-learning an important lesson from creation; all activity, even in ministry, should be balanced with rest. God himself models this pattern for creative activity. Thus, while he creates a hospitable world, he made space for rest. In the narrative, one finds rest between each creative “day,” in the pauses for evaluation and appreciation, and the institution of Sabbath. The message rings clear in God’s modeling and words: Creative activity is best done by interspersing it with rest. Jesus’ ministry in Mark’s gospel reinforces this message. An emphasis on activity parallels a prominent place for rest. Mark 6:31, where Jesus called his tired, hungry disciples to come aside and rest awhile, serves as an example. Granted, one finds different interpretations of this passage, but one of the messages seems clear to me: Finite disciples need space and time to address their needs, even in the face of ongoing ministry demands. Giving ourselves this permission often requires acknowledging our limits and graciously accepting these as part of the divine design for humanity. Additionally, it means balancing engagement in ministry with disengagement. Disengagement often means finding space for rest without guilt. In this regard, Helmut Thielicke struck a heartening cord: “Take my word for it, you can really serve and worship God simply by lying flat on your back for once and getting away from this everlasting pushing and producing.”1

Second, the quest requires boundaried living. Again, I appeal to creation.  Genesis 1:2 presents a world which is formless, void and chaotic. God orders it through creating boundaries between the various bodies. We find this emphasis in recurring words like “dividing” and “gathering.”  Similarly, I suspect much of the chaos we experience derives from too-porous or non-existent boundaries: We can easily confuse ourselves with others and take on responsibilities rightfully belonging elsewhere. We can confuse ourselves with our role, leading us to seek our identity in producing and achieving.  Moreover, we often do not know how to graciously say “no” to demands which push us way beyond our divinely ordained limits.

Finally, the quest requires rethinking ministry. Many ministers I encounter see it exclusively in other-centered categories. For them, ministry principally involves serving others. However, I think that under the umbrella of ministry, we need to make space for caring for ourselves and those close to us. This constitutes foundational ministry; it creates a healthy basis for serving others. Without space for this kind of ministry, serving others can sometimes produce disastrous results for the minister, his or her family and the congregations they serve.
Significantly, when we ignore the quest for balance, we miss a golden opportunity for influence. Like us, the average person in the pew also struggles with finding balance. They too can become addicted to pushing, producing and advancing to the detriment of their quality of life and relationships. Workplace programs emphasizing work-life balance and addressing work-family conflicts demonstrate balance as major issue for everyday Joes and Janes. Thus, when we fail to seek balance, we miss an opportunity for modeling and making the healthy, balanced life God intends, real for our parishioners. Although this ought not to principally motivate us to seek balance, the spill off could have marvelous consequences for harried parishioners and help create more hospitable environments in which to serve.
 
 Thielicke, Helmut (1995). Beyond   and producing. Leadership, 16 (4), p. 86.